Appendix 4 · free
Which stage — which sentence — which tool.
Six tables for the person who works with people. Not made to be read in one breath — made to be returned to.
A.1 Twelve stages, twelve sentences
Every stage has one sentence that describes it best. Not because everyone feels it — but because that sentence shows where a person is in that stage, better than any description.
| Years | Sentence of the stage | What hides behind it |
|---|---|---|
| 0–3 | (no words) | “is this place safe” |
| 3–7 | “I mustn't.” | prohibition became internal |
| 7–12 | “I'm not the one for that.” | the first judgment about himself, taken as fact |
| 12–15 | “What will they think.” | the audience from the classroom moved into his head |
| 15–18 | “Nobody understands me.” | the first time he is alone, not just lonely |
| 18–20 | “If I fail now, I'm finished.” | there is no reference for failure yet |
| 20–25 | “Who am I anyway.” | value is not inside yet |
| 25–30 | “That's not for me.” | identity defends itself against possibility |
| 30–35 | “I have to.” | obligation without an author |
| 35–40 | “I have no time.” | exhaustion became normal |
| 40–45 | “Was this mine?” | for the first time he asks about authorship, not success |
| 45–50 | “It's nothing.” | he diminishes himself, a reflex from childhood |
| 50–55 | “I don't need anyone.” | withdrawal disguised as pride |
| 55–60 | “I don't have to anymore.” | freedom for the first time — and emptiness |
| 60–65 | “I have everything, and I have nothing.” | the outcome collapses at the highest level |
| 65+ | “Now I know. And I have no one to tell.” | passing it on remained the only purpose |
How to use it. Take your sentence and ask: am I saying it, or am I carrying it? If you are carrying it and not saying it — that is the stage you still speak from.
A.2 How recognition changes through the years
This is the most important table in the book, and that is why it stands alone.
The same man, the same eye, the same mind — and he sees less accurately, or more, depending on the stage.
| Stage | Sees | Trusts his own judgment | What he does with it |
|---|---|---|---|
| 0–12 | accurately | no — nothing to compare it with | stays silent |
| 12–18 | accurately, and too much | no — thinks he exaggerated | endures in silence |
| 18–25 | accurately | no — no reference | endures, calls it maturity |
| 25–30 | accurately | no — afraid of seeming arrogant | endures |
| 30–40 | accurately | yes | negotiates with himself |
| 40–50 | accurately | yes | is afraid, so waits for it to pass |
| 50–60 | less | yes, but late | avoids before it happens |
| 60+ | accurately | yes | speaks — or stays silent forever |
Two things are visible here, and both matter.
First: the first two columns barely change. A man of twenty sees the same as a man of fifty. The difference is not in the eyes — the difference is in what he is allowed to do with what he sees.
Second: in the fifties one sees less — not because the eye weakens, but because fear arrives before sight. He does not look, because he already knows how it will end. And that “I already know” is experience that has turned into a filter.
This is the only thing in the book that gets worse with age for most people — and it can be prevented. That is why recognition matters more than any technique.
A.3 Tool by age — and which one is dangerous there
A practical table, for those who work with people. For every stage: which tool works, and which tool must not be used in that stage.
| Stage | Tool that works | Tool that is dangerous there |
|---|---|---|
| 0–12 | anchoring (through state, not words), naming feelings, recognition | anything that asks for abstract thinking: Sleight of Mouth, levels, timeline |
| 12–18 | naming the move (“this is slippery ground”), meta model in small doses, perceptual positions | Sleight of Mouth — because a teenager has no measure and will accept anything; Milton model (ambiguity) — because he is already confused |
| 18–25 | a well-formed outcome, meta model, TOTE | drawing him into the “big story” — he has no reference yet to recognise it |
| 25–30 | values, meta programs, a price list (concrete, not abstract) | deep identity work without experience — it produces a new mask |
| 30–40 | clash of values, a small step (10 %), meta model | the “big decision” under pressure — he has something to lose and agrees easily |
| 40–50 | perceptual positions, timeline, reframe | Sleight of Mouth on his own belief without a witness — there is no one to stop him |
| 50–60 | work with fear before the event, one conversation at a time | “find your passion” and big plans — time is measured now, not infinite |
| 60+ | listening, passing it on, story | every technique that aims at change — there it is not changed, there it is settled |
Why this matters more than a list of tools. The same tool that helps one stage can harm another. Sleight of Mouth is the most powerful tool in this book — and the most dangerous on a teenager, because he has fewer references than the one who applies it. Golden rule: the technique is not chosen by the problem, but by how much experience the person has to receive it.
A.4 Five questions for any stage
If you need to start a conversation and you don't know where the person is, these five questions reveal the stage in ten minutes.
| Question | What it reveals |
|---|---|
| “What is hardest for you about that?” | the level: environment, ability, belief, identity |
| “When did that last happen?” | whether the pattern is alive — or it is a memory |
| “Who was there?” | context, and often the key person |
| “What did you do?” | behaviour, not a story about behaviour |
| “What happened after?” | the consequence — which he often never said out loud |
Why these five. The first three open. The next two make it concrete. And a sixth question — not in the table, because it is not a question but a sentence — makes the exit: “What would help you to get out of here with something?”
If you ask only these five and nothing more, you have had a better session than most.
A.5 Signs of regression — which stage is the person in now
The most useful part for a practitioner. A man is forty-five by the calendar — and speaks as if he were seventeen.
| Sign in the conversation | What stage he is in now |
|---|---|
| seeks permission, afraid of silence | 0–7 |
| must be the best, shame of error | 7–12 |
| stormy reaction to criticism, “everyone is watching me” | 12–18 |
| “if I fail now, I am ruined” | 18–25 |
| “who am I anyway” | 20–25 |
| “I must”, no time, exhaustion | 30–40 |
| “was this mine”, first deaths | 40–50 |
| “what now”, children gone | 50–60 |
| repeating stories, gathering | 60+ |
How to use it. If a man of forty-five speaks as if he were seventeen, do not work with the forty-five-year-old. Work with the seventeen-year-old in him. The tool is different, and much faster. And what he needs first is the same as in puberty: acknowledgement that what he sees is true, and that he has not exaggerated. No explanation. Acknowledgement.
A.6 What never to say, by stage
For every stage there is one sentence that looks like help and never helps. A list for those who work with people — and for everyone who has someone.
| Stage | Do not say | Why not |
|---|---|---|
| 0–12 | “it's nothing” | it invalidates the feeling and teaches that feeling is not data |
| 12–18 | “it's nothing” (same sentence, same damage) | what is 100 to him is 2 to you — and both are true |
| 18–25 | “you have time” | he doesn't, and he knows he doesn't — it only sounds like comfort |
| 25–30 | “everyone does that” | he is looking for his case, not for statistics |
| 30–40 | “be strong” | he already is — that is exactly what there is no room for |
| 40–50 | “you have half left” | you don't know how much he has — and he does |
| 50–60 | “time heals” | it doesn't heal. It changes the shape, it doesn't remove it |
| 60+ | “don't think about it” | he is thinking, and thinking is not illness |
Instead of each of them, there is one question: “What is hardest for you about this?”
It does not invalidate, comfort, or fix. It only opens. And that is all that is needed.