Appendix 5 · free

People and their actions.

Eight profiles — how to recognise them, and what they do.

B.0 Before it begins

This is not a personality typology. There are no “types of people”. There are actions, and the same person acts differently on different days.

But there are recurring patterns. And when you recognise them, you know what to expect — not because the person is predictable, but because the pattern gives itself away in language.

How to read each profile: how they speak → how they defend themselves → what they really seek → what they do when you press them → how to approach them.

And one thing, important at the start: no profile is a “bad person”. Each has something they learned, and it worked for them. The problem is not in the person — the problem is that this pattern does not adapt; it works the same in every situation.

B.1 The one who knows everything

Why they are dangerous for a coach

They consume the session. Not a little — often the whole hour. Not because they are bad, but because speech is the only way they feel valuable. If they are not speaking, they are not there.

A sign that you have entered their pattern: you have started defending yourself, or explaining — and you don't know when it began.

What drives them

Fear of not being needed. The one who knows everything cannot say “I don't know” — because if they don't know, who are they. So their first sentence is usually not a statement but a check: “did you know that…” — a question that is not a question, but an appeal to position.

What you do

Don't compete. You don't know more than them — and if you do, it doesn't matter. Ask them what they know: “How did you solve it when it first appeared?” Then they speak from experience, not from the need to prove.

And then one question nobody asked them: “If this were solved — what would be hardest for you to let go of?”

They usually pause then. For the first time in the conversation.

B.2 The one who doesn't know what he wants

Why he is heavy

Because he looks as if he has no problem, and he has more than others. His problem is a lack of criterion: he has nothing by which to choose, so every option looks equally good and equally bad.

And people without a criterion usually carry a lot of other people's advice. That is why it seems to him that he doesn't know — in fact he has too many other people's criteria and none of his own.

Why “what do you want” doesn't work

Because it is a question in a vacuum. A man without a criterion cannot answer — and every attempt convinces him that he is incapable, so he defends himself harder.

What you do

Start with “I don't want”. Everyone knows what they don't want — that is easier, because it does not require a choice, only a refusal. “What do you definitely not want in the next year?”

— “I don't want to stay in the same place.”

— “What else?”

— “I don't want to work weekends.”

— “What else?”

After five “I don't want”, the first “I want” appears — and it is his, because it came from refusal, not from someone else's list. The sign that you are close: he says something concrete for the first time, and surprises himself.

B.3 The one for whom everything is someone else's

The pattern

This profile has one sentence that describes him best: “I only wanted to help.”

And behind it comes a whole chain: he takes on someone else's burden → he cannot carry it → he exhausts himself → he blames the ones he saved. That is why this man often feels betrayed by the people he helped the most. And there is truth in it: he did help, and he didn't get it back. But he didn't ask — he calculated.

Why it is hard to see

Because his intention is genuinely good. And because in our culture helping is not a choice, it is a virtue — so it is not questioned. And helping without limits is not helping. It is buying a place in someone else's life.

What you do

Don't attack the helping. It is good — it just wasn't asked for. Ask: “When did you last say no to someone who was struggling?”

Almost never. And then: “What happened after?”

— “Nothing. He got angry.”

— “For how long?”

— “Well… two weeks.”

Two weeks. That is the price. Said aloud, it is smaller than the fantasy.

B.4 The one who is always the victim

Why this profile is the hardest

Because he is not wrong. A man who has lived inside injustice has the right to talk about it. And every attempt to redirect it — “well, okay, what can you do now” — sounds like telling him to make it up.

So one rule applies here, and it comes first: acknowledge the injustice before you ask anything. Not “I understand you” — that is a phrase. But specifically: “What he did to you was unfair. It wasn't your fault.”

Only after that is there a conversation.

Why he doesn't change at once

Because being the victim is identity. If you take that away, you have taken away his entire explanation of life — and given him nothing in its place. So you don't go with “stop complaining”. You go with: “That was unfair. And now that you know that — what could you do?”

The difference: the first sentence denies nothing, and the second opens space. Without the first, the second is an insult.

And the limit

If after three conversations there is not one “what could I do” — that is not coaching territory. It is a man looking for a witness, not for change. That is legitimate — but you need to know what you are offering.

B.5 The one who controls

Why he controls

Not because he is hungry for power. Because at some point he lost control of something important — and hasn't let go since. It shows in details: he must know where things are, how it is arranged, in what order things are done. And when something isn't as he wants it, there is unrest, which looks like anger.

The sentence that gives him away: “If I don't do it, no one will do it properly.”

What you do

Don't fight for control — you will lose, and that is not the point. Ask: “What would happen if this stayed as it is?”

Usually the answer is not a catastrophe, but something small. And then the difference appears between real risk and habit. Then the harder question: “When did you last let something go — and it turned out well?”

Almost everyone has an example. But they don't remember it, because it wasn't their success — so it wasn't recorded.

B.6 The one who jokes about everything

Why he jokes

Most often because he once discovered that laughter releases tension — and it was the only tool he had. It was a good tool at twelve. At forty it is not, because he has nothing else to defend himself with — and the habit stays.

The sign: the joke comes before the sentence, not after it. Like an announcement, not a comment.

What you do

Don't take the joke away — it is an attack. Smile genuinely, because it is often funny. But then, in the silence after the joke: “And if you weren't joking — what would you say?”

This question does not come before the joke. It goes into the pause after it. And it has to be quiet, because loud it sounds like a judgement.

B.7 The one who is always calm (and that is not peace)

Why this is the most difficult profile

Because there is no resistance to lean on. Every other profile has something: emotion, story, complaint, joke. This one has only a wall that looks like a virtue — and so it cannot be attacked, because an attack would look like immaturity.

Behind that peace there is usually one of two things:

• a man who has learned that he mustn't feel (from childhood — “don't cry”, “it's nothing”),
• or a man who felt too much and stopped feeling in order to survive.

The difference matters, but it is revealed the same way: through one specific memory.

What you do

Don't ask “how do you feel”. He doesn't know — and the question convinces him that he is broken. Ask something specific and from the outside: “when was the last time it wasn't okay?”

— “I don't know, there was all sorts of things.”

— “What was the worst?”

Then he usually tells something he has never told anyone. Not because he wanted to — but because the question was small enough to pass through the wall.

B.8 The one who came so that someone would see him

This is not a failure

Some people need a witness, and that is the only thing they need. That is legitimate — a man can pay to be heard, and that is fair if it is clear what is being offered. But it has to be clear.

So after the third session, if nothing has moved, ask directly: “Do you want to work on this, or do you want to be heard?”

Both are fine. The first wants work, the second wants time. But mixing the two is what leaves a man in the same place after a month.

What happens if you don't ask

He leaves every session satisfied — and nothing changes. And after three months, when he realises it, he feels cheated. That is the only real damage in this job.

B.9 How the profile gets misread

The most important part of this appendix, and the shortest.

Rule: never conclude from one conversation. Check twice — and the third time, ask.

The best practitioner is not the one who recognises the most. It is the one who assumes the least.