Appendix 7 · free

Conversations — templates and scripts.

For those who work with people.

D.0 How to use this appendix

These are not scripts to be read out. They are templates — the skeleton of a conversation, to be filled with living words. Read aloud, they sound false. Learned and then forgotten, they work.

One rule above all: the template is there so you don't get lost, not so the conversation runs according to plan. The moment you start pushing the conversation into the template, the template has won — and the conversation is lost.

D.1 The first conversation — twenty minutes, free

Purpose: to see whether you are the right person. Not to solve anything.

What is said — in exactly this order

1. The frame, at the beginning, so it is clear: “I will ask you three questions, and then I will tell you how I work. If after that you see that I am not the right person — I will tell you honestly, and that is fine.”

2. First question: “What do you want to be different?”

Not “what bothers you”. Not “how are you”. But — different. Because he is looking for change, not for a story.

3. Second: “What have you tried so far?”

This shows two things: whether he has already done something (good), and whether he thinks he has tried everything (and has come for magic).

4. Third: “What would help you leave here with something?”

This is the outcome of the conversation itself. If he cannot answer — that is important data.

How to state the price

One sentence, no apology, no explanation beforehand: “The programme is seven meetings; the intake is ninety minutes, the rest are by the hour. The price is ____.”

And then you are quiet. You do not add “but it can also…”. You do not explain why. The price has said everything.

How to say no

“What you describe sounds like something a psychologist should see. I can give you two contacts. If after that you want to work on the habit — I am here.”

Without lowering the price. Without “let's try and see”.

D.2 The intake — ninety minutes

Purpose: to write down a checkable outcome. Nothing more.

The seven questions of the outcome — in order

• What do you want? (positively — what you want, not what you don't want)
• How will you know you have got it? (sensorily — what you see, hear, feel)
• Where, when, and with whom? (context)
• What does that give you? (a higher level — why it matters)
• What happens if you get it? (consequences — is that really what you want)
• What do you need in order to start? (resources you already have)
• What is the first step you can take today? (TOTE)

If he cannot answer the second one, the goal is not a goal, it is a wish. You go back to it until he has the picture.

What is written on the paper in front of him

Not in his head. On paper, in front of him, so he sees it:

The goal (in his words): ______________________
How he will know: ______________________
The first step until next time: ______________________

That is the only paper he carries away. Not a contract — a contract is form. This one is his.

D.3 An ordinary session — sixty minutes

The rule of one technique

A session with three techniques means none of them was done. If in the twentieth minute you see the technique is not working, you don't rush to another one. You ask: “What just happened here?”

That is often worth more than the technique.

How to open — three variants

If he arrives well: “How are you? In one sentence.”

If he arrives tense: “I see you came with something. What is most important not to leave unsaid today?”

If he arrives indifferent: “Last week you said you would ____. What happened?” — and then let the silence; don't fill it.

How to close — mandatory

Three sentences, always the same shape: “Today we worked on ____. You saw that ____. Until next time, ____.”

He leaves with structure, not with a feeling. The feeling is forgotten by evening. The structure stays.

D.4 Five difficult moments

This is the part nobody teaches, and it is used the most.

1. He goes silent

What is happening: he is thinking, or something has knocked him over, or he is asking you to fill the space.

What you do: nothing. Count to ten inside yourself. If he is still silent after ten: “What just happened?”

That question does not interrupt thought — it interrupts a block. If he is silent because he is hurt: “I see something is heavy. We don't have to go further.” And then — you really don't.

2. He cries

What you don't do: don't hand tissues immediately (that signals “stop”), don't say “it's okay”, don't touch without asking.

What you do: you are silent. You look. You don't move. When he calms a little: “Take as much as you need.”

And then — most important — you don't move straight to a technique. You ask: “What was that?” If he says “I don't know” — fine. He doesn't need to know.

3. He gets angry — at you

What is happening: you said something that landed. It landed because it was true, or because it was said clumsily.

What you do: “What I said was not good. I'm sorry.” No explanation. No “but I thought”. One sentence, then you wait.

Why it works: he won't remember the technique. He will remember that someone admitted a mistake. That is the only moment where trust is actually built.

4. “I don't know” — for the fifth time

What you don't do: repeat the same question louder, or answer for him.

What you do: lower the question to something concrete. “Okay. Then just tell me this — when you got up this morning, what was the first thing you thought?”

The concrete always exists. The abstract does not exist in that moment.

5. He wants to stop

What is happening: often it is not a decision — it is a test. Or it is a real decision, which must be respected.

What you do: you don't defend the programme. You ask: “What happened before you thought that?”

If he answers — there is a conversation. If not — you respect the decision, and that is all: “Fine. I will return the part for the missed meetings. If you change your mind in the meantime, I'm here.”

That is the only thing that leaves the door open: that you don't defend yourself.

D.5 What is never said

Sentences that look like help and do harm. Circle the ones you have said — everyone has their own.

Instead of each of them, there is one question: “Tell me more about that.” It does not diminish, does not promise, does not redirect, and does not advise. It only opens — and that is all it needs.

D.6 The contract, on one page

This is not legal advice. It is the minimum every coach should have in writing if they work with people for money. Six things, and nothing more:

• The goal — one sentence, in the client's words.
• The scope — how many meetings, how long they last, within what period.
• What it is and what it is not — coaching is not therapy, not treatment, not diagnosis.
• Confidentiality — and three exceptions: danger to life, child abuse, a court order.
• Time and money — cancellation, lateness, how payment is made.
• Ending — by either side, in writing, with a proportional refund.

Why only these six: everything else is settled by talking. These six are not settled by talking once things go wrong — so they have to be written beforehand.

D.7 How to keep the work from eating you

The last part, and the most important for those who work with people. Four rules, and none of them is about technique.

• Eight sessions a week, maximum. The ninth is where you start doing other people's work instead of your own.
• Don't take the client home. Three sentences in the car: “That was his work. I did my part. Tomorrow is a new day.” It sounds banal. It works.
• Supervision once a month. With someone who does the same work. Not a friend. You bring one case, without names.
• The sign of burnout: you start advising before you listen. Then — a two-week break. Not “slow down a little”. The limit is not protecting the client from you. It is protecting you from becoming someone who doesn't listen.